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friend zone

 

Let me first set the record straight. We friend zoned each other. I hear so much conversation about whether or not a man and a woman can be “just friends”. I’m an advocate for it. I think that it’s necessary. But there is so much debate about that fact. I’m not sure that all of that debate is necessary.

Wikipedia– “In popular culture, the friend zone is a situation in which one of two friends wishes to enter into a romantic or sexual relationship, while the other does not.”

To say that a man and woman can’t be strictly friends says that we are not capable of having any type of control. I once read a quote that said that you can’t control who you fall in love with but you can choose who you have a relationship with. That was empowering to me. We make love this concept that is so very reckless and impulsive. We describe ourselves as “falling” into it as if we are blindsided and don’t see it coming.

So if the relationship between a man and a woman is so reckless and out of control, no wonder no one is able to make a conscious decision to be friends.

After being in a relationship for the past eighteen years, I am now going through a divorce. It is something that is much needed in my life and I have come to terms with the fact that when it is over, it is over. I’m good in that respect. All of my friends are talking about setting me up on dates, or getting me to swipe left or right on Tinder. At first, I was down for it, then I decided not to.

I’m not really in the mood. I’m not in the mood for games or idle small talk. I hate that ‘getting to know you’ phase of relationships. Maybe I’m a little impatient. Maybe I’m a bit unrealistic. It is impossible to skip it. I like things that just flow.

Besides, I’m kind of more focused on my career and my kids at this point. I’m the kind that puts all in to a relationship and right now, I’m not sure if I can balance both at this moment. So what I did was ask the Universe for something else.

A male friend.

I believe in balance. I have enough female friends. And let’s be real, as women, we support each other in a much different way than the male/ female relationship dynamic. Sometimes your girls can soothe you, listen, and tell you what you want to hear. They can bash right along with you, ready to go slash tires and bust out windows when you are. But your male bestie will tell you to go and have several seats, get out of your feelings, and not be like all of the rest of the basic chicks- and he will mean every word of it.

friend zone 2

He and I immediately clicked. We have a lot in common, and under other circumstances, this could totally be a match. But instead, we friend zoned one another. And we did it with relative ease. The conversation was very simple. We both find each other attractive, we both enjoy each other’s company, and we both recognize the connection. But what is more important to both of us is agreed.

We would much rather have an enduring friendship of substance than ruin what is developing with sex and intimate feelings. It was really that simple.

To have someone that I can call that listens to me, cares what I think, and is genuinely concerned for my well being is wonderful. He does not send me dick pics or random text messages heavy with sexual innuendo (not that I’m against that sort of thing, but it is very tiring to have every man interested in you doing the same damn thing!). He can also admit when I am a help to him. That was a problem for me in my marriage. The male ego is a wondrous thing.

This friendship has done much for me. First, it is restoring my faith in relationships. After the breakdown of my marriage, it is hard to trust someone else with my thoughts and feelings- especially a man. I was already not the most readily trusting person in the first place. Secondly, it has taught me to have faith in the universe. I asked and I received.

Let me be a little more honest. I have a penchant for a certain type. I really need not choose that type again. So I got really specific and wrote a list of what I wanted. And instead of asking for it in a dating relationship, I asked for it in a friend. I figured that I needed to be able to deal with the friend effectively before I deal with the love relationship.

My friend keeps me on my toes, makes me think, is encouraging, and most of all, brutally honest with me. I only hope that I do the same for him.

So essentially, we friend zoned each other. Neither of us has a problem with it. I wonder how much better off some of my girlfriends would be if they friend zoned Mr. Right?

 

~Tamara

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